I Was Thinking...

No, not in the biblical sense (or in the bedroom sense… boy, I should really rethink that title…)

I’m almost 50. Well, recently 49, and 49 is close to 50. And while I’ve been financially poor and financially well off, very rarely in my life has the thing I love doing been the same as the thing that makes money. Making money doesn’t really motivate me.

Don’t get me wrong, I WISH IT DID. Because making money, or more specifically *not* making money, is the thing I think about the most. Literally all day every day. For someone not motivated by making money, I think about making money to an absurd degree. And it ends up being a really weird dynamic. Allow me to elucidate a bit. (I mean, this is my journal so whatever I want to blabber about is fine)

I don’t think a person must love their job, and find passion in how they make money in order to be fulfilled in life. In many ways, I think tying your passion to your employment is a dangerous game that often leads to hating the thing you once loved. The nuance for me is, the main thing I’m good at (using technology) is a skill that facilitates the thing which brings me joy (helping other people, improving the lives of other people).

You’d think that would be the dog’s balls. (is that a saying?) I could help people at home, in their businesses, etc. — and it would also be a way to bring in a steady income. But my lack of being motivated by money screws it all up. See, if I help someone and then take money for the help, it no longer feels like I’ve helped them. It becomes a transaction, and all the joy I would get from improving that person’s situation is GONE.

And it’s not because the person feels less helped, or values the assistance any less. In fact, most people find joy themselves in paying for someone’s time when that person really helped them. But for my stupid brain, if it becomes a transaction, the entire mental situation changes. No longer am I helping them, rather it feels like I’m taking advantage of the person because I have a skill they themselves don’t have.

I think that’s part of the reason I love teaching so much. I’d rather everyone be able to help themselves and others than to have the knowledge and ability myself, and then take money for doing the thing. It’s really illogical on my part, and intellectually I *know* it’s illogical, but that doesn’t change how it works in my head.

So back to creation. I love creating things that bring people joy. Be it my comic, or my training, or my writing… heck even this journal entry might entertain someone in a way that makes their day a bit better because, “at least I’m not as messed up as that guy!”

I love creating so much that if I were paid hourly for “creating whatever”, so I could just make stuff all day, there might be concerns over unfair labor practices I’d be committing on myself. BUT, I don’t create that much. And it’s for a really messed up reason:

It doesn’t bring in money.

See, providing for my family is my utmost concern. Maybe that’s unhealthy, but I certainly don’t apologize for it. And due to reasons both good and bad, in order to pay for the things required to live comfortably, I need to make a significant amount of money. The best way I know to make money is currently to work for a company that pays me well for creating IT training content for them. It’s really hard work, and since I don’t know the subject matter beforehand, it means it’s mentally exhausting learning and then immediately teaching from the standpoint of an expert.

That job happens to be quite flexible when it comes to what hours I work though. Awesome, right? Well… The thing is, the more work I do, the more money I can make. So any time I’m doing something NOT directly related to working my DayJob, I have incredible guilt because I’m not making money. So the things I do that bring me joy do NOT bring me joy, because I’m not making any money while I do them. And the screwed up thing is, making money from the things I love to do is not what makes me love them, AND making money from the things I love often (not always) ruins the whole thing for me anyway.

So what’s a weirdo to do?

Well, I have done many things over the years. Recent years have seen me doing things like opening the ability for Patreon support. Also YouTube subscriptions. And KoFi memberships. And recently, Twitch subscriptions. And I made a book of my comic in order to sell a book for money.

Those types of money-making endeavors somehow “hack” my brain a bit, and allow me to experience the joy of creating without it being ruined by selling it. I think it only works because the money isn’t tied to the product, but rather to supporting me as a person. Since the individual “things” aren’t being sold (the comics in the book are all available for free online), the financial compensation is sorta separated from the products of my passions.

The thing is, it doesn’t really feel sustainable. My hope before I had to go back to creating content as my DayJob was that I could maybe grow my YouTube channel enough that I’d get a living wage from ad revenue on YouTube, and I could spend all day every day doing what I love without ruining it by attaching it to money. I haven’t uploaded a single video to YouTube in close to a year, and I still make about $300/mo from ad revenue. So if I put in another couple years, I really might be able to grow to a point that it could become a career.

But also, I don’t want YouTube to be my career… I would love for YouTube (or Patreon, or Twitch, or book sales) to provide me with a steady income that would allow me to separate the things I create from how I pay my mortgage. And if my YouTube channel grew enough that I could “create” full time, would I have the same unhealthy connection with YouTube training that I have with my DayJob now, and always feel guilty if I weren’t making more content for the thing that makes the money?

I think this is why creative folks usually do better when in a group. I don’t think my broken relationship with money is unique to me. (Well, maybe my specific brand of neuroticism is unique, but, “starving artist” is a trope for a reason)

I think the concept that Patreon was built from is fascinating. Traditionally, a patron would be a rich person who paid an artist to do art. I think my brain would require some sort of guaranteed contract in order to really go “all in” on being a creator. But I very often wonder what my life and my day to day activities would look like if I didn’t have to worry about making money. Would I be free to create content and joy? Or would I worry about something else and never really get to squeeze the juice out of life?

Lots of people want to win the lottery so they can retire and do nothing. I’d like to win a small lottery, like a few million dollars, and put the winnings into an index fund. Every month or year (I don’t know how such things work), I could take out a decent salary for myself, confident that salary would be self-sustaining so I could spend all day working. All. Day. Long.

Sometimes that work would be making training videos. Sometimes it would be doing IT work for local businesses in town. Sometimes it would be fishing while I think about stuff. Sometimes it would be writing a book.

And maybe those things would make a ton of money. But they wouldn’t have to. And I think I’d enjoy that work more than anything I’ve ever done. So if you know anyone with a few extra million dollars who wants to run a social experiment with a weird creative guy who has an unhealthy relationship with money, just let me know. :)